Les Mehserables

"Don't worry Anne, you're gonna win the Oscar."

If I was to characterize a theme for December, besides as "the month I spent way too much money", it would be, "the month I was let down by movies I was really excited for." The first was "The Hobbit," which I vented about here, and the other was "Les Miserables."

But before I say another word, readers, listen to me! There is something I must do! I must confess that I've never seen a musical production of "Les Miz" (I use a z because it has more glitz, Broadway glitz). My only exposure to it was through the 10th Anniversary Concert (Judy Kuhn! Lea Salonga!) and the 25th Anniversary Concert (Lea Salonga again! Norm Lewis!), both of which I enjoy for different reasons, none of them being Nick Jonas. But from reading the synopsis of the musical, I got the idea of what was happening in-between musical numbers. And truthfully, I have a theory that you can either be a "Les Miz" fan or a "Phantom of the Opera" fan. Loving too many bombastic, 80's musicals will make your head explode. And I was more of a "Phantom" girl (what can I say? I love my doomed love stories).

We're like Romeo and Juliet! Except British! I mean, French!

So being a relative "Les Miz" virgin, I was excited for the film version. This was not going to be like Joel Schumacher's "Phantom" movie where the Phantom of the opera couldn't hold a note without growling and Christine cheated the cadenza. No, this had Hugh Jackman (who I had seen on Broadway before), Anne Hathaway, Samantha Barks and Aaron Tveit, people who have proved that they could sing to the back of the house. And if the various "Les Miz" concerts have taught me anything, it's that "Les Miz" is a showcase for beautiful voices singing with every single instrument in the orchestra, while waving revolutionary banners. This would be a transcendent experience, not just with beautiful voices, but with gorgeous scenery, sweeping shots of Paris and crowds rising up and fighting while singing!

For someone who lives on the street, Eponine looks good

Which was why the experience of watching "Les Miz" on film was underwhelming for me. Despite the fact that I cried (literally, there were tears down my face, which almost never happens) during Fantine's death, during the second hour, I was shuffling uncomfortably in my seat, just waiting for the movie to be over. Now I know what everyone else felt during "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King."

But why? Was it Hugh Jackman going flat in "Bring Him Home"? Was it Russell Crowe singing "Stars" through what sounded like a mouthful of cotton, while standing in front of a green screen? Was it the close-ups so extreme that I could map out every single freckle on Eddie Redmayne's face?

In the theater, you are prepared to suspend disbelief, to understand that the actors may not look quite the right age, that the scenery isn't real and that time is flexible. If a character tells you five years have passed, you have no choice to believe them, even if it onstage, they don't look five years older. This is especially true in musical theatre, where character development is usually tepid at best and you're really coming to the show for the interplay of music and language and melodrama.

But in film, when every freckle and hair on an actor's face is in close-up, you expect a certain amount of realism, of things to make sense within the narrative. That means that when Jean ValJean sings "Bring Him Home" to Marius, calling him "the son I might have known", while in the musical you would be swept up in the emotion of that moment, in film, you think "That's an outrageous assessment to make of someone you just met."

Russell Crowe, doing his best Captain Crunch impression

And while the story of Javert chasing down Jean ValJean for close to twenty years over a loaf of bread is the stuff of theatrical drama, on film, it's a laughable motive, especially in the world of post-Revolutionary France, where it's assumed that Javert had more to worry about than a loaf of bread (though French bread is delicious). In the novel, Victor Hugo had the luxury of developing Javert's back story, of how he was the son of a gypsy prostitute and that shame was the source of his fanatic obsession with black and white morality. But in the movie, without an explanation of that back story, Javert comes off as petty and purely antagonistic, with no nuance. And his death, complete with a wince-inducing crack!, is laughable.

This maybe because melodrama played straight onscreen is the stuff of parodies (watch out for the SNL skits that will surely come from Anne Hathaway's rendition of "I Dreamed I Dream"). But it maybe because "Les Miz" the musical, as was true of the mega-musicals of its time, was always so centered on the grandiose music, the showstoppers and the 11 o'clock number, and the melding of beautiful voices "singing the songs of angry men." Loud, bombastic music and spectacle can cover up a multitude of sins, most notable being plot holes (why can't Jean move out of Paris during those 8 years that Javert was looking for him?). And to take those skillful voices away, and to downplay the vocals in the name of subdued screen acting, means the flaws that have always existed in "Les Miz" is magnified.

The characters come off as the sketches of people that they always were but you were always too distracted by the singing to notice. The music become repetitive (seriously, why is the melody for "On My Own" used so often?!) and the lyrics less than inspiring ("To love another person is to see the face of God"). And the length, almost three hours without intermission, became unbearable. I started wishing for the movie to be finished around "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables," or at least for the singing to stop. The last time I felt that during a musical was during "Across the Universe," which still goes down as one of the worst musicals I have ever seen.

And finally, the subdued, actor-focused performances made me realize that "Les Miz," for all of it's music and drama, is ultimately not a very happy story. 70 percent of the cast is dead at the end of the film, the revolt failed and French people are still poor and miserable, so the closing reprise (containing all of the dead characters) of "Do You Hear the People Sing" with the lines, "the chains will be broken and all men will have their reward" feels unearned and ironic. And really, why would those people still be on the barricades in heaven?

It's not to say that I hated director Tom Hooper's "Les Miz." I did cry real tears after all. There were things that I loved: the sweeping camera work (that I wished there was more of), Anne Hathaway's transformative Fantine, the two "Look Down" sequences, the placement of "Do You Hear the People Sing" during the revolt, Aaron Tveit in his red jacket...

Mmm Enjolras, I would follow him to the barricades any day

And truthfully, I'm probably going to buy the movie and watch it repeatedly because of those moments. But a handful of perfect cinematic moment does not a great movie make. And at the end of the day, it's just another movie musical. At least it was better than "Phantom of the Opera."