The Fear (Updated)

So I'm petrified. It's like those dreams where something horrible is chasing you and no matter how fast you try to run, you feel like all you're really doing is crawling. You always wake up before you're caught. But this is real life, and you can't wake up from that. You will get caught.

It's normal of course. This small kid is finally growing (metaphorically) into an adult. In about 3 months. Amazing how fast a year can go. 525,600 minutes, according to Jonathan Larson. Measurable and oh so brief.

And it's that time of year, the one where at the beginning of this experience, I was both looking forward to and dreading: job hunt.

"Don't just send out applications!" says Kelly at the Newhouse Career Development Center. "Network! Reach out to alumni's!"

Always be on your toes. Don't get complacent. Have your resume ready. Hand out your business card. Smile. Smile. Smile.

My adviser told me today, "I'm not worried about you at all." This was before a position I had been planning to apply to at the Lincoln Center (I had the cover letter and resume ready to go) was filled.

This was before Allan Kozinn, music critic for the "New York Times" and Newhouse alumni, e-mailed me back and said, "it's harder now than it's ever been."

My response to my adviser was, "I'm worried about me." Because not being worried is being complacent, and that's the most scary thing of all. Then you're not prepped for the worst.

I'm scared that everyone is just blowing smoke, expecting too much from me and I won't be able to deliver. I'm not Atlas, I can crack under the weight of that pressure. Of course, not like the world is on my shoulders but the things that are on it are things that matter to me, it practically is my world.

I'm scared of not being able to find work, of having wasted five years in school for something that is worth nothing. I'm scared of having to go back home, having failed. I'm scared of disappointing my family and myself.

I'm scared of eventually giving up and becoming cynical because I wasn't able to live my dreams. I'm scared of running out of steam and breaking down, and I won't get back up again.

What to do, what to do?

Continue plugging on. The Little Engine that Could? I think I can...

I think I'm going to watch "Mad Men," that's nice, heart-warming, no-brain-activity needed fare.

Oh wait...

ETA: Apparently it's completely normal for me to feel paranoid, according to "The Chronicle of Higher Education." That's comforting.